You don’t have to abandon yourself to make everyone else comfortable.
How often do you agree with a plan you dislike, wear something you don’t feel comfortable in, stay silent when something bothers you, or adjust yourself simply because you don’t want to disappoint someone?We often call it being understanding, flexible, mature or accommodating. But sometimes, beneath all that adjustment, there is something deeper. We are slowly learning to put ourselves last. And that is where self-respect begins to disappear.
Just a few days ago, while I was dining with friends, they asked me if I was comfortable with Chinese cuisine. I nodded even though I wasn’t comfortable. I thought I did this to avoid the hassle of changing the cuisine and venue. But soon I realised this is what most of us do very often.
Food, Clothes, Weekend plans, Friendships, Relationships, Even simple everyday decisions, we swallow our preferences to keep things comfortable for everyone else. It is good to accommodate everyone else, but perhaps it becomes unhealthy when you constantly abandon yourself to keep others happy. And this is deeply rooted in the amount of self-respect we hold.
But what exactly is self-respect?
Is saying “I love myself” self-respect?
Dr. Morris Rosenberg, a renowned sociologist, 1965, defined self-respect as the self-evaluation of being likeable, competent and equal to the rest. Self-respect is the ability to believe with complete conviction that you are as good and capable just like others. It is the ability to keep yourself at par with the others if not at first in most of the situations.
Self-respect is like saying “My feelings matter, choices matter, boundaries matter and dignity matters”
Can we demand self-respect from the others?
The word “self” in self-respect signifies that it comes from within. Neither can it be demanded from others nor expected from them. In a room of hundreds of people, I can respect myself even without anyone uttering a word to me. The beauty lies in how I show up for myself, which is independent of how others treat me. It is built on self esteem and self-worth, which are completely internal phenomenon.
Have you noticed some people who just simply smile at events and praise how much effort the hosts have put in instead of complaining that they were not noticed, complimented, asked to eat or sit or welcomed properly?
This is because they know their worth and respect themselves instead of demanding it from others. Yes, humiliation, disrespect or mistreatment must not be tolerated, but it should not anyhow change how we respect ourselves. We should only seek internal validation not depend on others to feel worthy.
Does putting yourself first mean self-respect?
A lot many times, we are accused of being selfish if we put ourselves first. Women especially are targeted for expressing their opinion, preferences and for putting their comfort first. A line of demarcation needs to be drawn here.
Being ruthless or disregarding others to keep ourselves first is being irrational and unacceptable. One cannot do whatever they want under the pretext of self-respect and self-love. Self-respect means keeping ourselves at par with others and choosing yourself just as much as you value others. It simply means putting your dignity and respect first while also ensuring you don’t get brutal and negligent of others.
What does the absence of self-respect do to you?
- You seek eternal validation. You constantly need someone to tell you that you’re doing well. You slowly hand other people the remote control to your self-worth. And that’s a dangerous place to live.
- You become a doormat for others. When you repeatedly ignore your own boundaries, people may start assuming you don’t have any. You are always available, and they become accustomed to you accepting whatever they want.
- Your relationship doesn’t sustain? Healthy relationships require two people who can express their needs honestly. If you constantly suppress your feelings, resentment eventually builds due to unspoken expectations, leading to the collapse of relationships.
- It leads you to develop self-destructive habits. When you repeatedly teach yourself that your needs don’t matter, you may begin neglecting yourself in other areas too. Your health and mental wellness may be affected. Most of the addictions also begin from a loss of self-respect.
Why is it the most essential attribute we all need to build today?
- It gives internal validation that subsides all external expectations. You stop waiting for everyone else to approve of your choices and you start appreciating your decisions and who you truly are.
- It settles internal conflicts and brings inner peace. When your actions match your values, there is less conflict within you and you don’t feel the need to pretend to be someone else.
- It removes all kinds of competition and brings joy. When you respect yourself, you no longer need to run the race to prove yourself. You don’t chase any deadlines to become your best versions.
- It helps inculcate good habits that help in the self-growth journey. Understanding your true worth allows you to build yourself through good habits such as eating healthy, working out, developing new skills and educating yourself.
A 2023 study across seven countries revealed that self-respect and depressive symptoms are negatively correlated. This implies that a significant increase in the level of self-respect leads to a fall in depressive thoughts and promotes better mental well-being. In a world that constantly tells you to prove your worth, compare your life and seek approval, self-respect gives you something far more valuable.
It allows you to be yourself without any guilt and perhaps that is the quiet power of self-respect.